What's  In  A  Name?

Being a member of a support group for the spouses of gay and trans individuals, I have heard dozens of stories about being married to a gay person without knowing it.  In the case of gay men, I’ve often heard the spouse say that their husband said he didn’t know he was gay.  In some cases, even after being found out, they still insist they are not “gay.”


It’s impossible to know where the truth is, especially third hand.  But what puzzled me was how a man can claim not to be gay when he is having sex with other men and no longer having sex with his wife (or any other women for that matter).   Some of the wives say they believe their spouse when he says he didn’t know he was gay.  I guess we can quibble over the meaning of the word “know,” but I think men feel their attractions very early on. (And I believe there is a difference between males and females when it comes to this.)


A therapist once told me that the litmus test for knowing if you are a homosexual is who/what you fantasized about when you masturbated.  Most males start masturbating when puberty starts.  By the time they are dating, and marrying, even if they are virgins, they have been having sexual fantasies for many, many years.  And , for gay men, those fantasies have been of men.  I am pretty sure they know this about themselves.  Most men know what turns them on…and what doesn’t. 


If man says he never considered himself “gay” even though he always fantasized about other men, I believe it.  I believe it is possible that the word “gay” denotes a different kind of person than he is.  But whatever the word “gay” means to him, he knows he gets off on fantasies of men.  So, when a gay man marries a woman, it really doesn’t matter if he relates to the word “gay.”  What matters is that he has withheld from his fiancée the vital fact that he is attracted to men.  Call it what you will, his attraction to men is something he is required to tell his fiancé.  When they don’t tell, it is for their own benefit.  To get what they want.


A person  who knows that they are really the opposite sex from their physical body also owes it to their fiancé to tell them.  They may not know there is a word for this feeling, (transsexual), but what many do know is that they have felt this their entire lives and they are completely sure of this feeling.  If they present as male when they know they are really female (or vice versa) and do not inform their fiancé, then they are lying, for their own benefit. To get what they want. 


So when I hear gay or trans people say, as an excuse for why they deceived their spouse, that they didn’t know they were gay/trans, I have to wonder why they didn’t just tell their loved one what they felt.  Because by the time we get married we know what we feel about sex and the people we are attracted to and our own gender.


Which leads to the question of what we should tell our potential mates.  And do we have the right to withhold information because we think it won’t ever matter?


Should you tell your fiancé if…


you have no sex drive

you are a cancer survivor

you were ever raped  or molested

you are a recovering alcoholic

you have an auto-immune disease

you were ever in a mental hospital

you fantasize about killing people

you were once in jail


I would say absolutely yes to all of the above.   What would you say?